


what you want

by fated_addiction



Category: K-pop, Korean Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, SM Entertainment | SMTown, So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation, 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: F/F, Friendship, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-05-18 11:55:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5927449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Japan is a little last minute.</i> Taeyeon is a dreamer. That hasn't changed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	what you want

**Author's Note:**

> A quick, snow day + 'i only have my phone where the hell is my train' flashfic. Because it was snowing and everything was late.
> 
> Snow days are still the best though.

Japan is a little last minute. Sooyoung tells Minho who calls, leaves a voicemail, "Noona, let's be honest - you're not really coming to see us."

Taeyeon almost wishes she could hit him. 

She's in a cab nonetheless. Her Thailand bag sits by her feet sans winter coat. She checks the web again, reads _f(x) concert rescheduled due to weather_ , and sighs for the thirtieth time because she has never once been someone who has been the best at being impulsive.

She remembers, very suddenly, her last couple of trips her, and the memory overwhelms her, sticks to the roof of her mouth and throat, makes it a little harder to swallow. Her fingers press the bridge of her nose and she looks down, peeking at the magazine that sticks out of her purse. The pages are glossy. There isn't a smile on the cover, just a pair of bright, brutally honest eyes and a slight, curl of her mouth. Solo, she reads, doesn't mean lonely.

This may be the worst idea ever.

 

 

 

 

 

"You didn't have to come, eonni," Amber tells her, sitting next to her at the hotel bar. "Seriously," she says, amused. "There's even a live stream."

The snow is sticking against the window in front of them. Amber is the only that greets her. Krystal, apparently, is upstairs sleeping. Both Luna and Victoria are delayed due to their respective schedules.

"I know how to use the Internet, kid." She throws her napkin at Amber's face. "I just didn't check the weather," she says dryly.

Amber shrugs and laughs. Makes a joke about Taeyeon and outer space. They talk about their singles that are coming out later next month. They talk about friends. The magazine is burning a hole in her bag and it goes unspoken until Amber sighs, grows serious, and leans across the bar.

"She's upstairs too," she tells her. "Soojungie got sick on the flight over. She was here already."

Taeyeon bites her lip. "Am I that obvious?"

Amber snorts. "Yah." She leans forward, poking Taeyeon's forehead. "Eonni, we have a lot of things in common, including the Jung sisters and how we react to them. I just happened to have a little more finesse."

It's nice to have a break, she thinks. Even though it's sort of looming over her head that she's come here, no plan, not even a little plan, but she's here and it's been bothering her and no one ever really questions when Taeyeon wants to go on a mini-vacation. Money is money, after all.

"You should probably think of something to say though," Amber's hand is on her arm and suddenly, she spots both Jessica and Krystal heading towards their corner of the bar. The younger Jung sister stops, frowns, and twists her mouth is something between a frown and a sigh.

But Jessica is still, much more still and strange than she expected, imagining this moment a million times, over and over again, between the things that she's going to say and the things that she wants to say. There is a lump in her throat and her hand lifts up, something in between a hello and a well this is stupidly awkward, the corners of her mouth shifting into a smile.

"Hi," she greets.

"It's still snowing," Krystal says to Jessica. She looks between the two of them. "Guess you're not going anywhere."

Amber scurries off the stool, launches over to grab Krystal's hand.

"Drinks on me!" she calls, grinning. She nudges Jessica forward. "Have a lot of them. The snow is apparently going to suck. Hardcore."

The two younger girls bound off, Amber shoving a jacket into Krystal's hand, out of nowhere, maybe even waiting down here for both of them was all part of the plan.

It's then that she realizes that Jessica is coming closer, that her Thailand bag is still at her feet, and she should probably get a room for the next two nights because who knows how bad the weather. She feels a little like her nerves may explode.

"Hi," she says, and Jessica sits next to her, sleeves over her hands and orders a glass of wine instead, crossing her legs underneath the bar in front of her.

"Did you come for the concert?"

Surprised, Taeyeon shifts and nods a little. "Yes," she tells her. Then awkwardly sighs. "And," she bites her lip, "I was... selfishly hoping to see you there too."

Jessica laughs, actually laughs. The sound is bright and stranger on her ears than she expected to be. It pulls a little at her heart.

"You're ridiculous," she says and means that, in the kind of way that Jessica means things and they're supposed to cut. It does. Just not in the way Taeyeon expects it to.

"I'm not." Her mouth forms a pout and she shrugs, reaching for her watered down version of beer. "It just kind of hit me, I guess."

Jessica blinks, takes her wine from the bartender, then turns, leans down and plucks the magazine right out of Taeyeon's purse. Taeyeon makes a sound in the back of her throat, tastes it with mild panic, and watches as Jessica turns, just out of the way, her face going from surprise and amusement to something else.

"Ah," Jessica says. She sips her wine, flipping through the magazine on the bar. "This shoot. Are you creeping on me, Kim Taeyeon?"

An angry flush pinches at Taeyeon's throat and face and she ducks, her hair swinging into her face.

"Maybe," she mumbles, and that's all.

 

 

 

 

 

Taeyeon fidgets. At the front desk, the hotel manager politely explains to her that there are no more rooms, apologizing in panic until Jessica sweeps in, handles it with a smile, and ends up getting them a complimentary spa visit and a bottle champagne, smiling the entire way.

"How did you even do that?" Taeyeon says, panics, and realizes that Jessica is carrying her bag and they are taking the elevator to her rooms.

Jessica snorts. "It's not like I did a magic trick," she says dryly.

The disadvantages of being an idol somehow progress like this: people are always taking care of them, in between running to the next through and calendaring your contract. But Jessica has always been different, always asked the questions that make people uncomfortable, always asserted herself differently; in fact, Taeyeon used to think she would have been a better leader. Jessica never waited to take care of people.

Once outside of the elevator though, she begins to realize just how real this all is and it sends her brain spiraling into panic, jolting her back when they reach Jessica's hotel room door.

Her phone buzzes in her hand. She fidgets. Jessica stops and peeks at her phone. Then she laughs. "Well," she says, and _soojungie_ brightens the screen. Krystal hasn't sent her messages in years, outside the occasional birthday well wishes and album congratulations. It probably says _i'll kill you if you hurt my sister_. Not that she blames her. "You haven't changed my sister's name in your phone, huh?"

"I'm terrible at these things," she manages to say, clearing her throat. "I wanted to come because..."

"Soojungie doesn't need to be ostracized." Jessica's voice is even. "I'm glad her members take care of her."

Taeyeon will not read between the lines. Doesn't want to. Can't. Her face flushes a little and the door opens, Jessica tosses her bag inside, pulling the magazine out in mid-throw.

"Hn." Her mouth turns and she watches Jessica flip through the pages. There are a few corners pressed down. She recognizes the expression on Jessica's face.

"You look beautiful, Sooyeon-yah," she murmurs, can't help herself, and stumbles to sit on the bed, not knowing what else to do.

"I look silly," Jessica corrects and Taeyeon sort of stumbles, sitting on the bed. "The hair was a little much. I felt like an idol again, actually. It was a little tri - are you hungry?" and she's frowning, dropping on the bed next to her. "You probably are."

"A little," she admits.

Jessica is already grabbing the menu from the table next to the bed, phone in hand. Taeyeon opens her mouth to say something, but the words aren't coming together. She remembers all the times she's played it out in her, this moment, this particular moment that seems to be doing nothing but stretching out in time.

Taeyeon grabs the magazine, forgotten on the bed. "Let's eat then," she says.

 

 

 

 

 

"You're not on a diet, are you?"

Taeyeon looks up from her salad, lost. "No, not really." She pushes her fork against the plate. Her appetite disappeared with her exhaustion, which is slowly surfacing. The last couple of weeks, she's only lived on airplanes and in studios.

"You are or you aren't?" Jessica's eyes narrow. "Bacon on your salad isn't going to kill you, you know."

"It might."

Jessica throws her napkin at Taeyeon's face.

"Your jokes are still bad."

"Are _not_."

Her mouth crumbles into a smile and Jessica sticks her tongue out at her. The two of them stare at each other, pausing, the dissolving into laughter.

It feels ridiculously foreign, like she's returned to an old habit. Her brain pushes into exhaustion too and she pushes her plate forward, only dropping back into bed to look up and watch Jessica finish off the rest of her salad.

She takes the time to study her, picking apart the lines of her face, wondering if she's forgotten anything about her. It's different from afar (she monitors) and high glossed Jessica (like seriously monitors) is the most reachable version of Jessica, of her regrets and guilt.

"Do you ever --" she starts, stops and turns onto her stomach, her legs swinging back. Her voice quiets. "Do you ever think you would have been happy if you stayed?"

And really, that's it. That's the question. It's the question that's loomed over her head ever since Jessica left. Should she had begged her to stay? Should she had dragged her, fought for her, made this different? Regrets are the worst. Regrets write songs though. They write good songs.

Jessica puts her plate on the night table, pointing her fork at Taeyeon.

"This is what you've wanted to ask me, the first burning question you've --" her eyes narrow and she drops her fists against the bed, "yah! Kim Taeyeon! You're the worst at this."

"It's a real question," she says quietly.

The snow in the window is starting to spread, flanked into the ledge and lit up by the television in the corner. She didn't even notice that it was on. There's a pressure building in her throat.

"I didn't say it wasn't." Jessica leans forward, flicking her forehead. Taeyeon squints and wrinkles her nose. "I have never said it wasn't," she quiets. Her expression changes, her teeth sliding over her lip.

Taeyeon doesn't hope so. She'd like to think that then, maybe years later, they could skip ahead to a time that's fine, that they're okay. There's an ache inside of her that pulls at her ribs, crawls to her heart and squeezes. It happens slowly, reminding her that a lot of feelings having left, that will probably never leave because Jessica is here, Jessica is real, and there is a lot of things ready to come out.

"So."

"Do I think I could have stayed with you and the kids," Jessica interjects and there's a painful sense of familarity; the words haven't been said in a really long time. "I don't know," Jessica says honestly. "I've certainly thought about it. But I don't know. I don't know how to think about those choices anymore. If I do, I get sad. If I do, I get really lonely."

Taeyeon doesn't know how to breathe. Her response is sour at best. "I thought solo doesn't mean you're lonely anymore."

"Yah."

"Sorry -" Taeyeon holds up a hand.

"Being angry was never a good look for you," Jessica says and shifts, leaning over her. She turns to stretch out on the bed next to Taeyeon, sinking into the sheets. Her arm drops over her eyes. "If you apologize, I'll take as you don't even mean this and... throw you into the snow."

"You wouldn't," she musters, finding some pride. She watches Jessica's mouth part. Her lips feel chapped.

"I'm _scrappy_ enough."

Then Taeyeon laughs without thinking and Jessica peeks from under her arm. Taeyeon is unable to tell if she's laughing because of nerves, because her anxiety, because she didn't even plan this, _this_ running into Jessica when she knows better than anyone else that Jessica has never not made time for her little sister.

"You're right," she says and sits up. She peers down at Jessica, reaching forward and tucking some hair behind her ear. "You're right about a lot of things."

This is the part where she forgets herself, of course.

 

 

 

 

 

They watch a movie. A scary movie (Jessica's idea) because there's nothing else on and "Oh my god, Taeyeonahlookat _that_ -" Jessica says too, smacking her arm hard even though she still swears up and down that she is not afraid of scary movies at all. Taeyeon has her phone in the room, buried in her suitcase. She should probably check at some point, knowing that some of her girls are going to be worried and noisy and that is another part of all of this that she cannot handle. This year is the year, she thinks, where she started to remember that her feelings are her own.

"Ugh - yah. Don't go into dark corners, okay?"

Jessica hits her arm again, then shrieks, turning her head into Taeyeon's arm.

"Why would I go into dark corners?"

"I don't know." Jessica's reply is muffled. "You're the character that probably always stumbles into things."

Taeyeon snorts. "I am not."

Her face is pink though. She can't remember the last time they were close.

"Hey," she says, thoughts lingering. "I just -" and in thinking about the past, really thinking about the past, she remembers all those times she almost said something to Jessica, like confessed, straight out to her because putting feelings into a song is the only way she's survived this far. "I have so many things I want to ask you, you know," she blurts, actually blurts, "and every time I think about _it_ \--"

Jessica looks up, one eye opened. It's so startling that Taeyeon laughs, choked, because she's all over the map by now. It's always been highs with Jessica. Even anger.

"You what?"

She looks away. Then back. "It sounds stupid."

"Please," Jessica replies. She bites at her lip, then rubs her arms, leaning back against the pillows. "You still haven't really told me why you're here -"

"To see the concert," she interjects, flushed.

Jessica waves a hand. "Okay," she agrees. "But you're _here_ and you haven't left. And maybe nature had a lot to do with that too, but like... I don't really have the patience to dance around this."

Jessica slides off the bed, the movie forgotten. She moves to the window and plants herself in front of the view of the city, dragging her finger against the glass. Taeyeon sighs under the screams of what is happening on the television, tossing the remote off into a chair. She gets up and moves to the window too.

She offers a tiny smile. Jessica's written her name in the glass in English, her _n_ looping into a curl.

"I think about calling you a lot," she confesses. Her breath catches. "In fact, I've even started to dial your number -"

"But you haven't," Jessica says. 

"No," Taeyeon murmurs, nodding. "I haven't."

Of course, it's not exactly what she wants to say, and if it were, she thinks, she'd hope it would seem a little more elegant than that. There are two notebooks in her bag that say otherwise, she thinks.

"In my head I have," she half-rambles. There's a sharpness in her mouth. Her tongue plucks against her teeth. "Sometimes I tell you that I love you. Sometimes I tell you that I'm sorry, too sorry maybe - like the world has ended and I have nothing left and -"

Jessica looks up, smiling slightly. "You need to take a breath," she murmurs. "Or several. It's kind of dramatic."

"I _know_ ," she says, hands clenched into fists and suddenly, it's just all coming out, fast and furious. "I just can't think around you, about you, and when you pop up in these stupid, small and insignificant ways... I just get angry again."

"Why?" Jessica asks, stepping forward. She touches Taeyeon's arm. Steady, Taeyeon thinks. Steady. Steadier. "We were always going to get older, you know. I didn't choose to be the first to leave. It just happened. And I didn't --" Jessica stops herself and Taeyeon's heart is racing, drumming from her throat.

"You didn't?" she repeats.

"We didn't decide to get old, Taeyeon-ah. It happened. It happened fast and furious. It happened because it was supposed to. It doesn't mean I didn't love -" Something in Taeyeon's stomach churns, but Jessica sighs instead, looking away, "I do love you." Taeyeon cannot read the expression on her face. She's thinking about songs again.

They lapse into silence. It's tight. She's sort of panicking because these are the moments where Jessica is best, filling the silence with her presence. If she's on your side, that is. And maybe that's what bothers Taeyeon the most. She wants to know this Jessica too, feels like a teenager all over again, watching from the distance.

She steps forward, into Jessica's legs and pushes her hands on the window ledge on either side of her hips.

"Look at us," she says with some humor. Her voice trembles a little. "Fools, really."

"Idiots," Jessica agrees.

Taeyeon's expression softens. Her fingers press over Jessica's lips. They're warm and wet. Something shifts in Taeyeon, pulling into her belly. Her eyes are sharp and she thinks _I could kiss you_ and it scares the hell out of her. She starts to think about taste, about how she knows a kiss, how maybe Jessica's mouth is different. Then she remembers: it always has been.

"I don't know how to put myself first," she confesses. For real this time. An adult confession. It feels really strange. "I'm trying too," she adds. "With singing. With my needs. With talking to people. But I'm trying. I'm trying to be a little better."

"So you started with Soojungie?" Jessica cracks, sighs against the tips of her fingers and it makes Taeyeon flush and laugh.

She looks down, unable to really meet Jessica's gaze. Her nerves feel like they are on fire. There are a lot of words, too many maybe. She doesn't know how to get any of them out as it is.

"I --"

Her hand falls from Jessica's mouth and then drops to the ledge, over one of her hands, her fingers dragging over her knuckles and into her hands.

They are everywhere and nowhere. All at once. Maybe she's still too afraid. That hasn't changed, of course.

 

 

 

 

 

The snow stops to a slow dust somewhere around four in the morning, just a little after when the sun starts to break but it's lost to the city lights. The colors are flushed into the sky and Taeyeon struggles in the snow, trudging after a laughing Jessica with her phone.

She's the most beautiful she's ever seen her, the most familiar without the high, sharp glossy features that she's only come to know her by these last couple of years. Her heart starts to beat and it sort of hits her, that way, that it's little beyond the fact that she _loves_ this girl, but that she's reachable and that is something that is both terrifying and new.

Then a snowball pegs her in the face. Jessica's laughter is warm and bright and too painful for the morning, just as the lack of sleep is starting to hit her. 

"Stop it!" she calls, laughing too, brushing the snow from her face, and tripping over her feet because her boots feel a little too big for her legs and Jessica reaches for her, grabbing her hand. There is no one outside to watch them and their fingers tangle together, pulled easily into the pocket of Taeyeon's jacket.

They have to start somewhere. It's small.


End file.
